So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
