Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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