if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
