If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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