I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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