I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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