Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
