Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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