Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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