fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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