Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
