I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
