Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I wish there were birth control emojis
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
