My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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