I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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