she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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