My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
