Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Randomize
