Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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