you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
