Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize