1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
