Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
