maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
