this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
