imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
