i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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