hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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