Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
