So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
