id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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