My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
