I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
this hospital has no fireball
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
