apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
