Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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