I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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