Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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