I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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