Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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