My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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