she looked like the bat from fern gully.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Randomize
