tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I want you more than these girls want KFC
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
