Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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