I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
