Just fell off a train. Bad.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
