dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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