I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
