Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
