i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
