hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
this will be a night to untag.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
