If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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