How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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