if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize