I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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