never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
