I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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