I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
