It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
