I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
ttyl tear gas
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
