Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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