Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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