I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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