i think my mom watched the whole time
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
